New Year’s Eve is a terrible movie, one you shouldn’t see, and I hope it is a giant failure so we don’t get Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Arbor Day movies over the next three years. This is coming from someone who thought Valentine’s Day was a watchable mess, but this latest entry makes that film look phenomenal.
In lieu of a normal review I will proceed with a countdown, in honor of the film’s New Years premise, of why you shouldn’t see the movie:
-Ludacris tries to act against Hilary Swank.
-Hilary Swank doesn’t turn in one of her good performances.
-Jessica Biel touches her baby bump and it smashes in the padding, clearly fake.
-Zac Efron talks street.
-Michelle Pfeiffer appears to be on some sort of horse tranquilizer or something over the course of the whole film.
-Katherine Heigl plays the exact same character she has been playing for years now.
-Bon Jovi “acts”.
-John Lithgow is wasted in one scene.
-The make up team destroys Abigail Breslin’s face.
-Sarah Jessica Parker does the same thing she has done forever.
-Hilary Swank’s character is afraid of heights, but is perfectly fine on top of Times Square.
-Ashton Kutcher doesn’t scream once.
-Lea Michelle shows great acting range playing the character Rachel from Glee, more or less.
-The writer’s wrote in a horny version of Gloria from Modern Family into the script and cast Sophia Vergara to do the exact same thing as she does on the show.
-The film shows the 2011 sign when it is clearly supposed to be the 2012 New Year.
-Character’s openly profess they have to get to the big speech, or this is the biggest night of their lives, or many other expository, generic goals.
-The shot of DeNiro in the trailer is clearly not from the movie.
-Bradley Cooper isn’t in this one.
-The credits are better than the movie.
-The credits whore out the Valentine’s Day movie.
-Halle Berry has like three lines.
I am sure I could come up with more but I stopped caring about this film before I even left the theater. There are a few positives, Seth Meyers, Josh Duhamel, Cary Elwes, and Robert DeNiro are all fine to good here and make the movie as watchable as the film could possibly be. Even with these guys doing whatever they can to not suck, the film still does and you can’t possibly give me a convincing reason to see this movie. I dare you to try.
New Year’s Eve is an F
P.S. Sorry for being so mean.